Unloading.Analyzing.Speaking to Myself?

The word "evanescence" means to gradually fade away… The band Evanescence ironically produces many popular songs unlike one-hit wonders that deserve the name…But anyway, let us not forget the word "gradually". 

The word evanescence is so sad and mysterious.  If sudden losses cause shock, a loss so evanescent is more bitter-tasting because if we observed the signs, we could have prevented it.  The word also fits my interests.  I would pour my whole heart into each of my scattered "loves" and then after the passing of months or years, the attachment is gone without me discerning where the crack started.  When I say loves, I meant my love for art, for math, for poetry and music and films and so many other things that I cannot give time for all.  Though confusion has always wrought the way I see myself: the extrovert with compassion for people or the introvert who stay in one corner pondering about philosophy and fantasy.  The artist pretending to be a mathematician?  Or the scientist pretending to be a poet? What I can be sure of is my love for learning.  I just hope that one day I would not look back at this love as evanescent…

I have just finished my third day at my new job.  Well, I am not sure if it really qualifies as a real job at the moment because I am just a trainee.  Being a trainee, I am more of a student than someone who is helping out in the actual production of the company.  I know how my job as abstractor is absolutely far from my degree but it is not outside my range of interests (the range is quite wide you know, and a cause for major trouble—in my mind, that is).

Actually, I did not apply for the job.  The company got my resume from jobsdb.com.  So, it was the first time that I encountered the job "abstractor".  The role of an abstractor is basically to create abstracts, in our case abstracts for electronic journal articles.  Every time that you hear about this job, it is described as a good job but not one you will consider as a career.  I am here mainly for the new learnings.  I love jobs where there are classroom lectures hehe… I am also making a job out of my love for reading and writing.  Anyway, let us see what happens…

Yesterday, the gospel was about the Good Samaritan.  I thought it was just me who thought that the priest was speaking in a monotone, thus almost lulling me to sleep. The content in itself was good (thankfully I was still able to understand it; I was already confessing in my mind because I felt terrible about my inattention).

Weirdly enough, on the same Sunday, National Geographic was showing a documentary on Palestinians living in Jordan.  They are not just being shunned by the Jordanians but also treated like they are less than human.  I could not understand the Middle Eastern conflicts, how they can choose to kill each other when they could live together.  I mean, they do not have to befriend each other if they really cannot do that sincerely enough, but why kill?  Of course historians will then interrupt my thoughts with explanations of the deeply rooted hatred between Israeli and Palestinians.  Yes, I understand it goes a long way back, but why does it have to continue? I have to walk in their shoes if I really have to feel the way they feel and think the way they think. Being part Jewish with an Arabic name makes me want to understand.

Speaking of things that I cannot understand, Philippine politics is confusing.  Yesterday as well, Filipinos who are against the new Human Security law headed for Mendiola to protest.  The weird thing is that it was supposed to be the "Protest Against the Anti-Terror Law".  Should it have been rephrased because this sounded like the Protest for Terror.  I am no political expert and am just basing my observations on the words used.  I also wonder how many of the people headed for the streets know ALL THE CLAUSES of the Law they are protesting against.  I wonder if it should be a requirement.  For many years, it has never been… *sigh*

I was born in Naga City.  After that, I basically had most of my childhood in Legazpi.  My teenage years were spent in the Caribbean, then my college years back in Naga City.  Metro Manila is mostly my mother’s hometown and a place I go to for shopping (for books, really).  I am still feeling lost here in the metro.  Thankfully, with a few times that I got lost and times I asked for directions, I now have a clearer idea on how to get around (at least to places I HAVE to go to).  I still need to get used to all the walking.  It is a far cry from my life in Dominica, where my dad used to drive me to and pick me up from school.  I have to quit calling for cabs because it really is expensive and risky when you have absolutely no idea about routes.  A city atlas helps me out with that now.  I have to make use of that "A" I got in high school geography. I am so grateful to the LRT/MRT. 

BIG GIRLS DON’T CRY

Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You’re probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It’s personal, myself and I
We’ve got some straightenin’ out to do
And I’m gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I’ve got to get a move on with my life
It’s time to be a big girl now
And big girls don’t cry
Don’t cry
Don’t cry
Don’t cry

The path that I’m walking

I must go alone
I must take the baby steps ’til I’m full grown, full grown
Fairytales don’t always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

[CHORUS]

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We’ll play jacks and uno cards
I’ll be your best friend and you’ll be mine Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
‘Cause I want to hold yours too
We’ll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it’s time for me to go home
It’s getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]

La Da Da Da Da Da

U + UR HAND

Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh oh
Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh oh
Check it out
Going out
On the late night
Looking tight
Feeling nice
It’s a **** fight
I can tell
I just know
That it’s going down
Tonight
At the door we don’t wait cause we know them
At the bar six shots just beginning
That’s when dick head put his hands on me
But you see

I’m not here for your entertainment
You don’t really want to mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it’s over
Before it began
Keep your drink just give me the money
It’s just you and your hand tonight

Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh oh
Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh oh

Midnight
I’m drunk
I don’t give a ***k
Wanna dance
By myself
Guess you’re outta luck
Don’t touch
Back up
I’m not the one
Buh bye
Listen up it’s just not happening
You can say what you want to your boyfriends
Just let me have my fun tonight
Aiight

I’m not here for your entertainment
You don’t really want to mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it’s over
Before it began
Keep your drink just give me the money
It’s just you and your hand tonight

Uh uh uh uh uh uh uh oh
Break break
Break it down

In the corner with your boys you bet ‘em five bucks
You’d get the girl that just walked in but she thinks you suck
We didn’t get all dressed up just for you to see
So quit spilling your drinks on me yeah

You know who you are
High fivin, talking ****, but you’re going home alone arentcha?

Cause I’m not here for your entertainment
No
You don’t really want to mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
Just stop and take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it’s over
Know it’s over
Before it began
Keep your drink just give me the money
It’s just you and your hand tonight
It’s just you and your hand

I’m not here for your entertainment
No no no
You don’t really want to mess with me tonight
Just stop and take a second
Just take a second
I was fine before you walked into my life
Cause you know it’s over
Before it began
Keep your drink just give me the money
It’s just you and your hand tonight
Yeah oh

I just had my 26th birthday a couple days ago.  Some friends surprised me at my home. *Thanks bathmaks hehe*

I wouldn’t say that "Confessions of a Shopaholic" is a book that tells my story.  Unlike the main character, I am not in any kind of debt whatsoever (I do not even own a credit card; it sort of scares me -the credit card i mean, not the lack of one), unless you can count the "debt" a child supposedly owes his or her parents that can only be "paid" by being a parent as well.  At least that is how my mom puts it.  But that’s a different story as cliches go…

When it comes to books however, I am not my frugal self.  I swear I am sort of an addict, who just have to buy a book even though I still have books I have not read at home.  It is not the same with clothes.  I love them but I can talk myself into just walking pass the store and going home…at once! Of course, I have reservations for the latest Harry Potter.  I have completed the Sandman graphic novel collection and have almost done the same with my Fables graphic novels. If I had stayed in Naga and not sold my books to the market, I would still have tons of books.  My mom freaked out when she went back home here in the Philippines for my wedding and saw that every corner of the apartment has books.=)

My husband shares my passion.  He also has a lot of books, mostly non-fiction however.  Putting together my books and his is not an easy feat if you still want your home to be organized and attractive.  At least at the moment it is still very neat everywhere.  We would be needing another bookshelf soon, I think.

Now, when you are a bookworm, it does not help that you live just above the mall.  We are living in a condo unit on the 36th floor and I just have to take an elevator downstairs (of course, who would try the stairs!), pass one hallway, open one door and tada…I am in the mall. *sigh* Think National Bookstore, Powerbooks and even Booksale… I barely go out of the condo unit especially since I am currently temporarily unemployed and have not started graduate studies yet. So, I am a Shop-Bookworm-aholic Hermit. There.

Being a new wife, I now welcome the possibility of a baby.  Many of my friends or batchmates have their babies already.  At 26, my mom had a four-year old (yours truly) and a one year old(my brother). Times are changing though.  Many are afraid to even tie the knot, whether it be because of financial worries or other apprehensions, or even because people still want to enjoy singlehood.  When you are in a marriage, your salary is no longer yours alone, but your spouse’s as well. 

Now, let us go back to the topic of babies.  Both of my parents have twin relatives.  In fact, my grandfather (my father’s father) had a twin brother.  They also have another pair of twin siblings: one male and one female. My mom has an uncle who has a twin sister.  She told me that when she was pregnant with my brother, she prayed for twins because she cannot have another operation after that.  It was a caesarian operation performed by my dad on my mom.  In fact, he did both of my mom’s C-sections. What doubled the risk was my mom’s congenital heart problem and scoliosis.

Fast forward more than twenty years later, I am married to my husband whose family also has several twin births. 

Twins and other multiples are really fascinating.  There are identical and fraternal twins.  Identical twins come from one egg and one sperm.  On the other hand, fraternal twins are just like any other pair of siblings.  They come from two different sets of egg and sperm. (In fact, fraternal twins can have two different fathers! Shocking I know…but possible for women with multiple partners and predisposition to multiple births). It just so happens that the fertilization occurs at about the same time since the eggs are released simultaneously. This also leads to having the babies develop inside two separate placentas.  Identical twins share one placenta, and are therefore closer. However, observations can make us conclude that after awhile the "identical twins" may not be so identical after all.  One would be a bit bigger or taller. One may have a birthmark, and so on.  Scientists are then more comfortable in calling them "monozygotic twins" or twins formed from one zygote (one set fertilized egg and sperm).

There are still more things to discuss about multiples.  I just can’t help but share some facts.  I would love to have identical twins, but having monozygotic twins  does not depend on genes at all.

It is my favorite poem from when I was taking Literature in high school.  It is a metaphysical poem which talks about evil as being beautiful, and tempting but ultimately destructive.  Blake questions whether the same God created good and evil.

THE TYGER (from Songs Of Experience)

By William Blake

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies
Burnt the fire of thine eyes?
On what wings dare he aspire?
What the hand dare sieze the fire?

And what shoulder, & what art.
Could twist the sinews of thy heart?
And when thy heart began to beat,
What dread hand? & what dread feet?

What the hammer? what the chain?
In what furnace was thy brain?
What the anvil? what dread grasp
Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

When the stars threw down their spears,
And watered heaven with their tears,
Did he smile his work to see?
Did he who made the Lamb make thee?

Tyger! Tyger! burning bright
In the forests of the night,
What immortal hand or eye
Dare frame thy fearful symmetry?