Unloading.Analyzing.Speaking to Myself?

For someone who has not had a vacation since 2000 (because of classes, summer jobs in my dad’s clinic, summer classes and other involvements) being temporarily unemployed is a cause of extreme boredom and a bit of dismay.  My first job was as a receptionist/secretary at my dad’s clinic in the Caribbean.  This was after sixth form college and before university.  The year was 2000. I felt grateful to have parents who have introduced to me the value of work.  During the time, however, I was not able to appreciate this.  I was a bit scornful because of the fact that I had to wait for my younger brother to finish high school before I can go to university and study the course of my choice. Now, I look back at the long hours I worked (7:30am-7:00pm, Monday to Saturday) as practice… 

When I was finally studying for my Bachelor’s degree, I was restless and went on to join extracurricular organizations.  Eventually, I became President of the Supreme Student Government while maintaining a place in the dean’s list and taking a time-consuming, creativity-squeezing course, Digital Illustration and Animation.  Right after graduation, I got a teaching job in the department of Digital Arts and Computer Animation.

In April 2007, I resigned after two semesters.  I got married.  Now, I am living in Manila, still thinking of the job I should go for.  I know that I am going to pursue a Masters degree in Mathematics.  I really want to so much.  So, I have to get a job that will complement the course and at the same time, I have to make sure that I can handle both.  It is the first time in my life that I have almost three months of vacation.  It feels weird.

Enough about me.  There are so many angles to explore when it comes to job search.  My friends and former batchmates and classmates all contribute to how I see jobs.  There were those who got what they want: a job they enjoy, is related to their field and is paying well.  There were those who are 50/50: They either have a job related to their field and the pay is terrible OR they have a completely unrelated job that is paying for bills and more…

The thing is we cannot judge any of the above mentioned before we get to know what their situation is about.  Many of my former classmates who do get a job related to their field may stick up their noses and snub those who got what they felt are inferior jobs. In my opinion, there are no inferior jobs unless they are illegal or are exploiting people.   Take for example call centers, people think that it does not promote growth, that it makes people dull.  However, think about it…  Are you "growing" in your job of choice?  Or are you sitting in front of a PC waiting for the day to be through so you can go home? chatting/gossiping with officemates? hogging the office phone?  Before you judge other jobs, think of your own.  What makes one not grow in call centers is not really the job itself.  In fact, the people working for call centers practice problem solving skills and improve their EQ and people skills.  The problem lies in the fact that some get stuck in this situation, content with getting a monthly salary and spending them all (the night life, the expensive goodies and electronics as rewards).  But this is also true to other jobs.  If I keep teaching the same thing to my students without researching for updated information, I am not growing.  If I keep on drawing the same types of things everyday or keep on being given other people’s storyboards, am I really growing? TO BE COMPLETELY HONEST, WE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO CAN JUDGE FOR OURSELVES IF WE ARE "GROWING"…We may not understand a math teacher who remains one for so long, not being promoted to chairperson or dean but is happy to have learned a new technique to make students learn the subject better.  We may not understand a graphic artist who smiles every time he sees his work used as a billboard ad because people do not really know that he made it; he gets paid less than 15k a month for what has given his company hundreds of thousands, even millions.  We may not understand an actress who stops starring in blockbuster films to test her acting ability in indie.  We may not understand a personal assistant who looks like a well-dressed maid but is happy with her job because she is the breadwinner of her family and is successful at that.  We may not understand…so let us stop judging…

So how about my job search?  I am actually considering a call center job.  I think that it can support my desire to go for further studies.  You may not understand…

I have been myopic since I was in fourth grade.  I didnt know there was anything wrong with me. I just couldnt see the writings on the blackboard and had to go in front just to copy the notes.  My teacher informed my mom about it and I ended up becoming  four-eyed, with these huge pair of pink-framed eyeglasses.  One eye was about -3.00 diopters (or grade 300) and the other was -4.00 diopters (400).  During that time I was just relieved that I got eyeglasses.  I was neither concerned about what other people say nor aware of the other health risks involved when your eyeballs are becoming more elongated. 

At age sixteen, I felt blessed when I had my first pair of contact lenses.  Many people had told me that my best feature are my big, brown eyes.  There are many Filipinos with brown eyes, but mine are a lighter shade though not as light as my mother’s hazel ones.  So, of course, I did not go for the colored pairs.  People are already unsure about my natural color, why feed their suspicions? Though green colored ones are very tempting…

Now, at almost 26, both of my eyes are at -6.00 diopters(600!).  A person is considered midly myopic at -3.00 or less.  Medium myopia is > -3.00 to -6.00.  I just barely maintained medium myopia.  High myopia is more than -6.00.  I have heard of people with -2400 diopters!!! That is almost being blind.  In fact, contact lenses are available only up to -11.00 diopters.  Obviously, I have been researching on myopia.  Now, I am worried about macular degeneration and detachment of the retina…things that could happen when you are extremely myopic.  This means blindness, folks.  I am so worried that I also researched on natural ways to improve eyesight (LASIK surgery corrects the refraction and enables the patient to see clearly but does not correct the elongated eyeballs).  There are some eye exercises that a person can do plus vitamins that one should take (A, C, E and lutein)…So, veggies are your best bet.=)

anyway, I could update you if the theories are right.  Computers are one of the causes of myopic progression…ahh too bad.  I am supposed to be an animator(take note, DIA pipz).

I am now almost two months married.  There are still days I cannot believe it.  Don’t get me wrong, I am really happy about it, except for the fact that I am here in the City of Manila and my husband is in Naga finishing up his contract with his employers.  He will join me here for good in October, but he does visit every two weeks. 

The wedding, MY wedding, was one of the happiest days of my life.  My friends say that my smile reached my eyes that day.  It is a wonderful thing to marry because of love.  I also got to learn a few things about weddings in the Philippines nowadays.  Gossips tend to think that the bride is pregnant, if not trying "to catch the last trip".  I wonder what this says about us? Our society?  Anyway, I have nothing against those who are pregnant before their wedding.  At least, they have decided to keep the baby.  I have heard from my cousin stories about young girls who go through abortion.  It is a sad thought.  I myself love children.  I would play with kids in our neighborhood, sometimes offering to watch them when their parents are at work…for free.  They make you forget your aches and pains and relieve your stress.  Right now, I am still waiting to get pregnant though I feel it will still be months from the present…

On the whole, I try to live up to my new status as a married woman.

Outside the Dollhouse

We are not slaves or robots; everything that we do is based on choices.  There may be instances in our lives in which the situation forces us to lean towards one choice, but in the end, we have the final say or the final move.  This is not a chess game wherein we die or kill because someone is using us as pawns.  We especially know this because we live in a democracy.  Someone living in a world not as free may have a different view, and yet they still have this nagging feeling that something is very wrong.  History is witness to countless revolutions caused by this “feeling” that has become conviction. 

Trees grow to be healthy or otherwise, because of the factors that affect them.  They depend on the season, place and care given to them.  There is never a question of choice.  The tree that is cared for grows healthy unless a storm comes and wrecks it. If a person grows up in an abusive environment, there is a tendency for him to be depressed or violent but he still has the choice whether to succumb to the pressures surrounding him or to overcome these obstacles, unless insanity takes over.  Insanity is a whole different story.  My fear of becoming insane is far greater than my fear of death.  The loss of control may lead us to hurt ourselves or worse, hurt the ones we love.

We have freedom, but along with it, responsibility.  We are the authors of our life story.  In my life, there have been so many unexpected twists and turns.  I have had a different life envisioned when I was a child.  The girl who wanted to be a journalist is now aiming to become an animator and maybe a writer on the side.  The loner is now experienced in student and community service.  If I have let my personality be the decision-maker, I would be in a completely different state right now.  It is scary though.  The person I am now is based on my choices.  What if I make a really big mistake?  What will I be tomorrow?

I remember a book entitled “The Giver”.  The premise of this story is a futuristic world wherein people do not decide, but the system does for them.  There are no emotions, but everything is so perfect and peaceful.  It seems that even people are under the laws of nature and not Natural Law. They can’t help but follow.  There is no choice.  It is worse than communism, because in communism at least people feel indignant about being told what to do.  Here, people follow because that is what’s normal. There are women chosen to give birth, and couples whose marriages have been arranged, go to the birthing place to choose their ideal child.  When a person reaches a certain age, he is killed to preserve the “balance”.  I would not want to be in this situation. 

For some, the Natural Law is so constricting because it can bring about guilt.  Falling because of gravity does not bring us guilt.  However, it also does not give us a choice.  So I choose living as a free human being, contained in a world with a Natural Law where I ought to do what is right and the rest ought to do what is right, as well.  If we ignore the urge to do what we ought, then we should still feel responsible.  I am not ready for a world without rules, nor am I ready for a world with imposed rules; with no left and right, just forward.  I would not want to be Barbie in her dollhouse played by some little girl or by some doll collector.

Now, let us stop for a moment to ponder.  What if Barbie has no restrictions? Would she still be the good-natured doll for children to play with?  Indeed, being let out of the dollhouse may not be perfect after all.  In fact, it is chaotic!  If Natural Law exists, at least there is a semblance of order and a guideline for any community.  Barbie is not controlled by any puppeteer but is still expected to behave in a particular way.

Here in the Philippines, complications always arise after the national elections.  The common citizen has to hear the two opposing parties debate on certain topics.  This is where the voter has to be extra careful because there are no deep black and pearly white sides; there are our gray areas.  The opponents may be going against each other, but there are arguments are trying to insist the idea that they are the good guys.  In order for one to be labeled as “good”, there must be a set of rules to look at.  Call it the Ten Commandments for us Christians but even non-Christians and atheists who claim they have no god have the inclination to one side.  Without the Natural Law, rapists and philanthropists are alike.  Without the Natural Law, there is no sense arguing.  There is no wrong or right. 

Outside the dollhouse, there is still a Natural Law.  Outside the dollhouse, there is more responsibility.  Isn’t it refreshing to know that we can go out to have a breath of fresh air? But isn’t it also refreshing to know that we can go back inside our houses and lock ourselves in…