Unloading.Analyzing.Speaking to Myself?

My blog is really effectively an online diary.  You share with my ups and downs.  I’ve put into words my sorrows and joys in the most honest and yet discreet way.  You know the songs that define my mood or that simply catch my fancy.  At the moment I am at the brink of experiencing one of the most, if not the happiest moments in my life…but the road towards it is full of confusion and anxieties - emotional exhaustion.  But tomorrow, when you see me and you greet me with a smile, even when I am sad or frightened or angry, I will smile back.  I know it is not your fault.Or is it?

it’s alright to FIGHT for what you believe in…to GO AGAINST people who put you down…my regret is that i was never able to defend myself when i was put down my some people…who did terrible things to me and still made me look as it if it was my fault.  i could only blame my naivete then.  instead of speaking out i only cried…and cried…and now that i am stronger it seems to late to go back to that day when my world almost crashed…there are so many "what ifs".

but of course, there are positives to everything…if it weren’t for that failure, i wouldnt have been in the position that i am now…a true blessing in disguise…

this is turning out to be a ranting session =) it helps though… thanks for the chance to let out some steam

well i sometimes think that i need a new hobby…

i sometimes feel that some efforts are futile…that i just have to stop trying…this is one of the most confusing, most emotional moments of my life but some people reduce it to me being a whining, overbearing and obssessive-compulsive *****.  If only I can sit back and relax(if only someone will "take care of it") People who said they will "take care of it" want to be taken care of…and sometimes I am just so so tired

Oh, this is the start of something good
Don’t you agree?
I, haven’t felt like this in so many moons
You know what I mean
And we can build through this destruction
As we are standing on our feet

So, since you wanna be with me
You’ll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
you to stick around
I’ll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through

These reeling emotions they just keep me alive
They keep me in tune
Oh, look what I‘m holding here in my fire
This is for you
Am I too obvious to preach it
You’re so hypnotic on my heart

So,since you wanna be with me
You’ll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
you to stick around
I’ll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through

The words you say to me are unlike anything
That’s ever been said
oh what you do to me is unlike anything
That’s ever been
Am I too obvious to preach it?
You’re so hypnotic on my heart

So since you wanna be with me
You’ll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
you to stick around
I’ll see you everyday

So since you wanna be with me
You’ll have to follow through
With every word you say
And I, all I really want is you
you to stick around
I’ll see you everyday
But you have to follow through
You have to follow through
You’re gonna have to follow

Oh, this is the start of something good
Don’t you agree?

You’re not alone
together we stand
i’ll be by your side
you know i’ll take your hand
when it gets cold
and it feels like the end
theres no place to go you know I wont give in
no I wont give in.

Keep holding on
’cause you know we’ll make it through, we’ll make it through
just stay strong
cause you know i’m here for you, i’m here for you
theres nothing you can say, nothing you can do
theres no other way when it comes to the truth
so keep holding on
cause you know we’ll make it through, we’ll make it through.

So far away I wish you were here
before it’s too late this could all disapear
before the doors close, this comes to an end
but with you by my side I will fight and defend i’ll fight and defend yeah yeah.

Keep holding on
’cause you know we’ll make it through, we’ll make it through
just stay strong

cause you know i’m here for you, i’m here for you
theres nothing you can say, nothing you can do
theres no other way when it comes to the truth
so keep holding on
cause you know we’ll make it through, we’ll make it through.

Hear me when I say, when I say
I believe nothings gonna change, nothings gonna change destiny
what ever is ment to be
will work out perfectly yeah yeah yeah yeah
lalalalalalala…

Keep holding on
’cause you know we’ll make it through, we’ll make it through
just stay strong
cause you know i’m here for you, i’m here for you
theres nothing you can say, nothing you can do
theres no other way when it comes to the truth
so keep holding on
cause you know we’ll make it through, we’ll make it through.

Keep holding on
’cause you know we’ll make it through, we’ll make it through
just stay strong
cause you know i’m here for you, i’m here for you
theres nothing you can say, nothing you can do
theres no other way when it comes to the truth
so keep holding on
cause you know we’ll make it through, we’ll make it through.

At the end of the year 2006, there were so many weddings I’ve heard of…of people i know and of strangers.  A cousin of mine just had her baby and my stay-home maid is now seven months pregnant (and still acting like a child).  There were also goodbyes.  MY grandfather passed away last July 31, a day after my brother’s 22nd birthday.  And to think that this two people share blood, a surname, mannerisms and even handwriting and had very similar signatures.  Rodrigo and Richard.  On the other hand, last December 30, my former nanny died at the age of 57(? - not sure, she could not find her birth certificate; could be older).  She apparently had a heart attack because she was startled by some firecrackers.  I felt a bit guilty because she and I had a BIG misunderstanding that caused her to be asked to leave.  She did have her share of mistakes, and even with her dead I could not deny that I could not understand why she did (mostly said) some of those things she did to (or said about) me and my brother.  But for all of those sullenness, maybe there was an underlying loneliness.  She had not married and had no children.  There is much more to this story, but of course I cannot reveal someone else’s life in MY blog just like that…It’s just that she is in my thoughts right now, and in my prayers.  I wish I could have forgiven her before she died.  Maybe I could start forgiving my enemies.  But being human, it is going to be so hard…

I love searching for rare songs, that is why I came to love Delerium songs.  I am not quite sure if it is as rare in other places.  One can’t find them even in Los Angeles airports or even in the Caribbean.  Rare songs are a retreat from novelty songs and songs that are over-aired on the radio and even in my neighbors’ houses…  Sometimes it is also good to go back to old tunes whether they be English or Filipino.  I also like looking for French and Russian songs.  This is so difficult.  Of course, I make sure I find the translation.  I wouldn’t want to be singing something terribly nasty.

Delerium -

FALLEN (FEATURING RANI)

Do you remember me?
I’m just a shadow now
This is where I used to be
Right here beside you
Sometimes I call your name
High on a summer breeze

What I would give
To feel the sunlight on my face
What I would give
To be lost in your embrace

CHORUS
I’ve fallen from a distant star
I’ve come back, compelled because of love
I’m caught between two different worlds
I long for one more night on earth

Do you believe in dreams?
That’s how I found you
But I can’t be revealed
‘Til you take a leap of faith

What I would give
To feel the sunlight on my face
What I would give
To be lost in your embrace

(Repeat Chorus x3)

FALLEN ICONS

In the dark ruins paved with snow living all alone
of the gods, long ago, is what I’m looking for
firecracker, lightning seed is pulling back through me
This is I, this is I you make my heart a hunter
This is I, this is I you make my heart, make my  heart a
hunter

I remember my little seed louder than a
dream
I let my coin into an air of light to the bottom
of your night
no hounds to guide me, no army at my back I’m gonna stand out
firecracker, lightning seed closer to me
This is I, this is I you make my
heart a hunter
This is I, this is I you make my heart,
make my heart a hunter
you make my heart, make my heart a
hunter

Sunrise burns my fortress down crumbling
to the ground
I found my air and my life make a star buried in my heart
no hounds to guide me, no army at my
back I’m gonna stand out
firecracker, lightning
seed it was always with me
This is I, this is I you make my heart a hunter
This is I, this is I you make my heart, make my heart a hunter
This is I, this is I you make my heart a hunter
This is I, this is I you make my heart, make my heart a hunter